No More Birthday Blues
If you follow me on Instagram, you know I just turned 26 on January 19th. In true millennial/gen z fashion, I feel like an aged prune that’s running out of time. I never really understood the guilt that comes with celebrating a trip around the sun. I’ve always had lovely, memorable celebrations but to be honest ever since my teens, my birthday has become a stress trigger. Is it the growing up in poverty? Is it the daddy issues? Or maybe it’s because I’m an only child? I wish I knew.
I’ve always felt so alone in my feelings about birthdays. Everyone around me seemed to look forward to theirs, planned extensively, had a specific guest list and knew what they were wearing like a month in advance. I mean, it’s a day where things can be all about you and no one questions it, worse: they expect it and encourage it. You’re supposed to look your best and embrace the spotlight, I mean after all, you are celebrating life right? That sounds like a great time but only if it’s not my birthday we’re celebrating. I guess growing up in the social media age might have a part in why I feel this way. All I see are people renting out private rooms/restaurants, traveling to foreign countries with 20 of their closest friends or partying at the most elite clubs where the DJ shouts out the lucky birthday girl/boy. Seeing this so often at some point turned into a personal guide titled “How to Celebrate Your Birthday: The Right Way.”
I’m an extraverted woman and I love being around people, but this birthday a lightbulb came on in my head. I learned that even though I love being extra 364 days out of the year, on January 19th (and any birthday plans before/after), I want to celebrate minus the theatrics. I need a small, low key function. Extensive brunch with a ton of friends? It ain’t for me. Surprise party with more than 5 people? I’d rather not. Traveling anywhere with more than 3 people? No thanks. It’s just too much pressure for me. I end up super anxious trying to make sure everyone is having a good time and getting along, it never fails. If I notice any tension or conflict it immediately affects my mood and I feel responsible. Cue the birthday spiral about how I couldn’t bring people together and keep them entertained well enough to keep the ‘good vibes’ going :)
My 26th birthday was by far the most liberating, care free birthday I’ve ever had, and in a Panini at that! I didn’t feel any pressure to plan some elaborate outing with a bunch of different friend groups for obvious panini reasons and I didn’t force myself to wear something out of my comfort zone. Before I left for NYC, my fiance made me pancakes from scratch for breakfast, ordered dinner from the same place we ate at the night he proposed, he got me a red velvet cake (my fav) and I got to pick all the movies we watched that day. The next day 2 of my friends picked me up at the airport and we had an all day brunch, just enjoying each others company. The night before my birthday I stayed at a hotel for a night with 2 of my other friends. We got all dress up to go eat on a very cold rooftop (hello indoor dining ban), came right back to the hotel and had an obnoxious tipsy dance party in our pjs that I’ll never forget. The cherry on top was surprising my mom and aunt on my birthday. I hadn’t seen them since August. When I opened the apartment door, they saw me and had tears in their eyes. No time to plan a huge family zoom party or make a fuss about gifts, it was just nice to be there in that moment.
Birthday blues are a lot more common than I thought and I really wanted to share why this birthday was so different from the rest. I spent so many years feeling alone in this so I hope this post provides even just a little bit of comfort to those of you who can relate. This birthday I genuinely did what I wanted to do. No factoring in how many people I wanted around, no forcing myself to wear a dress to make the day more special, no keeping up with the joneses. I didn’t spend any time wondering if I was celebrating the way I should and for once I didn’t feel guilty. I celebrated another year of life exactly how I wanted to, and I can’t wait to celebrate many more just like this.
What do birthday blues look like to you? How did you overcome those feelings?
Outfit is linked here
Janibell xx
